dollar hundred one poem

I made my mother cry today. When when you make your mother cry, you revert back to this guilty 12 year old where you give in to what your� mother wants. In this case, my mother asked me to get a loan in my name and give the money to my sister. I said I didnapos;t feel comfortable and my mother said,�"Iapos;ll pay it off, donapos;t worry"�And I remind her, "You know, I have $30,000 of my own student debt that you have never offered to help out on."

I told her I wouldnapos;t do it and said a bunch of stuff to make her feel bad. Basically, my sister got an expensive place in�Vancouver thinking her senior-citizen sugar daddy would keep his word about giving her a chunk of money a month. They got in a big fight and said he was cutting her off, leaving my sister broke and my mother scrambling to find loans. She is thinking that itapos;s only seven months, she can try to find more loans to support my sister in the over-priced condo, her BMW, and other bills. My mom thinks she has relapsed, which is very possible because my sister� doesnapos;t have a doctor in town even after I asked a personal friend to give me some referrals.

I just said that my sister might have to struggle a bit, and even relapse, to know how to deal. And then my mother complained about how everyone just criticizes her and doesnapos;t help her. And that she is alone in this and that people think that itapos;s her fault my sister is an addict. She starts crying and I try to make her feel better. I say that I do want to help, but that her requests are unreasonable. And they are based on my sisters rules, and my mother has no boundaries. That I donapos;t want to give her a bunch of money that I donapos;t have knowing that she wonapos;t change.

Then I said i would look into getting the loan, although it is a possibility I wonapos;t get it.�My credit sucks. And I know they stopped giving credit to undesirables lately. But Iapos;ll try. Everyone is telling me no, but I can at least try to say I did it. If it makes my mom feel ilke sheapos;s not to alone in this. But I�know deep down inside that I am just reinforcing this horrible relationship of co-dependence and addiction - and that I should know better. And that playing "tough love daughter" might be a better way. But I guess Iapos;m weak when it comes to my mother.

My sisters addiction is so central in all of my conversations with my mother. My mother does ask about my thesis writing and tells me to hurry up and finish to get a good job.� But then it quickly goes to my sister. And itapos;s weird because I donapos;t really know my sister at all. Sheapos;s like this theoretical presence in my life.

I feel bad because my mom is so stressed out and she is literally going bankrupt trying to give my sister what she wants. I think my mother is also drawn into this guilt-based thing - where she will do anything to save my sister even if it means asking various bankers for loans.� Itapos;s this mentality that if she just gets my sister through these seven months of expensive beauty schooling,�she will be all better. And with the possibility that my sister might not be any better off, just more in debt, I donapos;t know what else my mother can do.

I hate that my sister has been slowly destroying herself and my mother. And I am worried about my mother and I am super resentful of my sister. I hate my father for getting off easy and not dealing with this.� I think about drug addiction and wonder how is it that people destroy their lives and take their families down with them. I wonder how my sister would be and what kind of relationship we would have if she was clean. I wonder how my mother would and how our relationship would be.� My mother told me today that I�need to try to speak to my sister on her level and get down from my pedestal, that I just make her feel bad.�But when�I call, itapos;s so obvious we donapos;t know how to deal with one another.�I get angry and she gets defensive.

Anyways, I think I will phone some mutual friends who have similar siblings. The advice I have been getting from people with no addiction in their family hasnapos;t been super helpful.�

But, on a more positive note, I have been doing some massive writing. And I took yesterday off to go to Wonderland and got my adrenalin from riding roller coasters and eating onion rings.� I also took a leave from the journal until the new year, although I am thinking i wonapos;t return for six months just to take a breather. And geordie and i are thinking about going to cuba for the 50th anniversary of the revolution. I warned my roommates that whenever i go to cuba, i return as this hardcore, annoying Leninist. I mean, not as a Spart or anything. Just a plain olapos; socialist feminist.� But it soon subsides and I return to the ranks of issue based organizing with no real politial vision, clinging to this absract notion of "anti-capitalism" and pretty much avoiding the reality that everything I do isnapos;t even reformist, more less revolutionary.� It just takes me a month or two to return.

I am thinking it would be so cool to interview Assata Shakur for the journal if I am down there....hmm...
dollar hundred one poem, dollar hundred one thousand, dollar hundred one yorkies, dollar hundred process selling thousand year.