

Two things weigh heavily on my shoulders. I think about it almost everyday... Sometimes it brushes by me for a few seconds and goes away, but sometimes it hits me hard and I will obsess about it inwardly until I just cry. One of those things being the incompletion of my Masterapos;s degree. The other being how Iapos;ve let myself go with my fitness level and weight. I worked hard for both, and both, in some way or another, I walked away from. While Iapos;m half-heartedly trying to get my fitness, Iapos;ve almost completely ignored my degree. Three and a half years ago I told everyone Iapos;m going to go to grad school and get my Masterapos;s. I still say that Iapos;m going to get my degree. But my voice is weaker and less confident now. When I show up to the university, people ask why Iapos;m there. I am no longer part of the community of my department. Last summer, I was in the greatest shape of my life. I was 4 inches taller and 50lbs less than what I was when I was 11. I could jog a several miles or bike 50 miles after a 10 hour day of river snorkeling at work. I promised myself I would maintain that feeling. Now I feel tired most the time and just canapos;t keep up even though I know I could if I tried harder. There is more to this than people may think. I see this things as major flaws in my character. Excluding minor day-to-day plans... When I make plans, serious endeavors, I always stick to them. I consider myself relatively successful because of this. Up to this recent time at least. It really hurts me to give up in this way. I really do feel like Iapos;m failing myself. I realize it is not too late. Especially for increasing my fitness. But it is almost too late to get my degree. I can still do it, but it is going to be extremely hard to get back into it and put aside time to focus. I feel lost, but Iapos;m hoping that once I throw myself out there that things will just fall in place as I move forward. *** Today I cried at numerous moments to the sound of country music in my truck. Country music in general makes me cry.� But this was different. I found myself being torn apart.� An overwhelming feeling of nostalgia and all the things and people Iapos;ve lost. Then there was another feeling that was almost indistinguishable.� I only caught it while�I was reading my book and made the connection. Another overwhelming feeling... That of renewed empowerment. I donapos;t know for what purpose yet, but for seconds at a time, I felt I could do anything and was invincible. If you asked me in that moment... I would confidently tell you that I had superpowers. � |
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