

Small bright spot in the gloom today.
Something I realized recently is that much of my dissatisfaction with life - in particular with art, something that should satisfy me when nothing else does - is that, since school, Iapos;ve been doing nearly everything all on my own.
Writing is a solitary art.� I personally have little to no use for writerapos;s groups, and have generally found them to be artistic circle jerks, more often than not populated mainly by talentless malcontents who donapos;t want honest critical assessment, but hand-holding and unearned praise.� A sweeping generalization, but there it is.� Writing classes can be better, but only when theyapos;re moderated with a talented, and at least somewhat ruthless, instructor.
Iapos;m only a apos;writerapos; inasmuch as I write.� I donapos;t finish much of anything except journal entries, and I have no ambition to publish.� So thatapos;s not my real art.
One of the fundamental underpinnings of my philosophy of teaching drama is that it fosters and really depends on community.� Unless youapos;re doing performance art, youapos;re working with other people.� The strength of the work depends, not wholly on the talent of individuals, but on their ability to successfully combine their gifts to the success of the venture as a whole, and prima donna behavior detracts from that.
Theatre shouldnapos;t be done in a vacuum.� And thatapos;s what I feel like Iapos;ve been working in, and that, I truly believe, is a large part of why Iapos;ve been so unhappy in the last few months, with teaching, and with the idea of directing the upcoming show.�
At the mountain company, Iapos;ve been solo teaching, although at least over the summer I had two teenage assistants, and that was a real help, as far as it went.� They helped a lot with the daily activities, but all the planning and conceptualizing were my responsibility.� And the teaching since then, I havenapos;t even had them to work with - itapos;s just been me and the kids, and Iapos;ve felt like I was really just recycling the same ideas over and over, with far less success than I expected and far more frustration than I ever anticipated.
Substitute teaching, drama aside, is the same way.� Every day is a different school, a different set of kids and curriculum, and thereapos;s no one to work with and it just turns into a hellish kind of babysitting.
Iapos;m sick to goddamn death of being completely without community.�� I hate feeling like Iapos;m so much on my own.
This week I finally received contact information for my stage manager and set designer for the Christmas show.� I called and talked with each of them, and our first production meeting is this weekend.� I donapos;t know yet if Iapos;ll get a costume designer; need to rattle the bushes and see what falls out for that because we really need one.
In talking with the set designer tonight, I finally felt a spark - a real sense of joy again in the process that Iapos;ve been missing so very much.� I havenapos;t yet put a lot of thought into the concept (and auditions are only two weeks away - jesus...). But in talking with her, I had that familiar feeling of satisfaction that comes from my ideas synching up with another person, and new ideas forming from the infusion of creative impulses from a source outside my own brain.
It was the first real feeling of engagement with what Iapos;m supposed to be doing that Iapos;ve had in months.
I finally felt like like there was something to
really look forward to again.
I needed that.� I needed - and need - that so much.� Iapos;m so tired of having every waking minute taken up with either scrambling unsuccessfully to generate money or escapist activity to keep me from thinking about how dire everything seems.
I need to be a part of something that feel like itapos;s worth doing.� And I need to be doing it with other people again.
I feel like thereapos;s some hope of having that again.
baylor college of medicine of dallas, free jong moraffs more, free jong maj, free jong mah window, free jong mah ware.


